Happy New Year blog fam!

I hope you all had an exceptional holiday – whether you were in a cold country hoping for snow that never came (:p) , or basking in the sun by a beach drinking cocktails and partying throughout the entire season (*cough* – like I was :p). The most important things about having some time off are being in the company of people you love, cherishing your short lived freedom, and achieving some of your personal goals – and I really hope  that your holiday sounded a lot like that, regardless of location.

So, new year huh? Somehow, this one doesn’t seem as daunting as some of the years past. This could be because I tried to avoid general resolutions like ‘be a better you’ or specific ones like ‘lose 3 kg in the first couple of months of the year.’ My aim this year is to remain prayerful, focused and driven. I know it sounds a bit drab and largely unhelpful, but I think the ‘rules’ of any fresh start should be kept as simple as possible so that they remain front of mind as the year progresses. They should also be applicable to ALL other goals in different aspects of your life.

Like many of you, I have one or two pet projects I’m hoping to launch this year, along side my goals at work and personally. Focus and drive are integral to each of these endeavours because they keep me on track when I start procrastinating, or want to trade my late night web design for some much needed but not exactly earned sleep.. haha Above all, I believe that prayer is THE key to success and happiness, so that had to be at the core of my vision for 2016. My advice? Come up with 2 or 3 adjectives that you want to describe YOU this year. I believe that trying to define yourself rather than simply listing unending, disparate, and sometimes conflicting objectives will help you develop the character you need to achieve any goals you set at any point in time. I wish each of you a successful year and pray that all the good desires of your heart come to be.

My real topic of conversation today is one of the few things that everyone has the capacity to give and seek in every day life without paying a penny – forgiveness.

I’ll be honest about why I’ve chosen to discuss this – it is something that I find myself giving ‘freely’ (ish) each new year, but always with a caveat. You see, up until now, I’ve been that girl who is severely wronged early in 2014, and does not allow her propensity to forgive to manifest till early 2015 because she feels she deserves time to hold a grudge. Even at the point of forgiveness (via a lengthy and rude message, or a brief and cold face to face conversation), I manage to make the person feel just as bad about whatever they did as they probably did when I first developed dislike for their actions or character. And in forgiving, I put them in a box labelled ‘forgiven but never to be forgotten’ and pretty much shove them into the dustiest corner of my memory. If I happen to run into them, I will probably have my resting bitch or mean girl face on, the one that says ‘don’t you dare think that because I told you I forgave you, you can actually speak to me.’ On better days, they will be completely blanked, as though they do not exist.

Oddly, I am the opposite on the topic of forgiveness when I do not feel the matter is severe. I have always had a bit of a short temper (which Jesus has been cooling down over the years – Thank you Lord) but my anger disappears as quickly as it arrives. This tends to mean that I am over a friendly squabble or argument in approximately ten minutes (or even less). On some issues, I receive a large dose of patience that even prevents me from being upset or frustrated at all (This is from God, trust me. Pray for yours and it will come). But where I find that I feel severely wronged, disrespected or taken for a ‘mug’ (LOL), I struggle to be as I have just described.

The point of sharing this snippet of my personality is that when I do feel extremely hurt by someone, I offer my forgiveness in the most self righteous and dictatorial way possible (a year after, usually on new year’s day). I do it to rid myself of the person, the year gone by and any negative feelings that I feel have been blocking my closeness to God. So so silly. I actually use the words ‘I forgive you’, like I am their master and they are craving my forgiveness to feel absolved of wrong doing. Ridiculous right? I know!

Anyway, this year, I decided not to dole out any messages or words of forgiveness. It is clear to me that such childish behaviour is redundant in the real world because people move on. When you hold on to a grudge, you’re the one who remains stuck, seeking apologies and clinging to this false sense of righteousness that leads nowhere. The truth about life is, we all wrong each other. Some wrongs are more severe than others. I am in no way condoning wrong doing, but my advice to the wronged is to recognize that they too have wronged others in the past, and may have shown more pride than they care to remember in similar ways to those who have now wronged them. Forgiveness is to be freely given and freely sought, not to be traded for apologies and proof of change or in order to absolve oneself of wrongdoing. The key to being set free from a situation where you may have felt maltreated is to forgive from the bottom of your heart whether they know it or not. The key is to assume they don’t care, and let go for your own well being so that you can move on!

I know, I know, that sounds selfish – but in this case, you are all that matters. Not the wrong done, not the other person. Just you. Realize that you create your own happiness and holding on to the actions of others, good or bad, will not make you a more whole human being than you are. It will not make you wiser to betrayal in the future – the experience might, but the grudge will not; trust me, I know! lol. It simply makes you vulnerable to the same person who hurt you because thinking about them and bumping into them will affect you, no matter how strong you think you are. And who wants to hurt? I sure as hell don’t!

A week ago, I was speaking to someone about how much of a good person I feel she is because she fell out with a close friend a while ago, and since they resolved their issues, they have been back to normal. When I say normal, I literally mean, NORMAL. And its not fake at all! I had to ask how she did it, because I struggle with going back to normal after certain difficult situations. She explained that though it felt strained initially, it bounced back naturally because she had an open mind.

That was my eureka moment – An open mind. I couldn’t remember the last time I had an open mind when it came to rebuilding broken relationships (especially where I felt betrayal had ensued). I’ve always told myself – ‘If someone does something once, they will do it again and you have to keep them at arms length from now on; further away if possible. Just make sure it doesn’t seem like you hate them or you have an issue. It can’t seem awkward’

What I have come to realize is that while I might not be striking up a friendship with someone who betrayed me anytime soon, its okay not to be nice to them just so people don’t think you’re awful. It’s better to just get over it and be nice to them because you quality of life is better when you don’t have to avoid going somewhere because of who is coming, or care that someone was invited to a place where you are because you ‘forgive them’ but you still don’t like them. Its a chore to dislike people, and rather than send messages of forced forgiveness, it works better to rid yourself of the negative feelings that surround a situation.

The key to doing this is to view everything that happens as a learning opportunity and the will of God for your life coming to fruition. For those who aren’t religious, fate might be the operative word here. It is the recognition that if something doesn’t work out, it was not meant to be. If someone hurts you and walks out of your life, you needed to experience that to make you wiser, or stronger, and that person was in your life for a purpose. That positive rationale makes forgiveness and moving on so much easier, and helps to make you a much more understanding person as well!

In the Catholic Church, this year is called the Jubilee Year of Mercy, and it is a time to pray to God for forgiveness of sins that may have been considered too grave to forgive previously. In part, the year of Mercy inspired my outlook on forgiveness and I thank God for that.

Agree? Disagree?? Please comment! I would love to hear from you!

Have a lovely evening

Jo xxx