Hey hey!

…So after my post about Mr Gates and his ‘friend’, I hope you can see how I have naturally progressed to writing a full blown post about frienships. In my opinion, the things I write will strike a chord with each and every reader. I really cannot stress this enough, but putting it in caps is a start – PLEASE SHARE YOUR OPINIONS WITH ME 🙂 . I’m no expert on friendship, and I cannot claim to be the best friend known to man, but I do feel the urge to share my thoughts on this important topic.

Before I dive in, I’d like to ask each of you reading this line to please scroll down to the bottom of the page and subscribe to receive regular updates from the blog – I promise it will be worth it 😀

The idea behind this post is to dig deep into friendship- what does it really mean? There’s so much to unpack that I’m slightly worried I will get confused along the way, but I hope it makes some sense.

**What friendship means depends on whom we ask

The statement above refers to categories of people by age group (toddler – child – adolescent – adult), and personality type. I’ll explore the age group categories in more detail, considering they are fewer and more attributable to a certain type of friendship.

As a toddler in nursery, friendship was so so simple. ‘Jojomijo, who is your best friend?’ my mum would ask. And I would not even hesitate before I replied ‘Falilat mummy!’ Obviously, I knew nothing about Falilat besides her age and her name, possibly her favourite meal and colour, maybe her last holiday destination, perhaps her address? And that was it. But I called her my best friend. And I think I was hers too (If by some stroke of luck Falilat from Rotoy Private School, Victoria Island is reading this, please correct me if I’m horribly wrong lol). When I think hard about these types of friendships I develop an opinion that is two fold- much like a double sided coin. On the one hand, it makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, I hardly knew the girl! All we did was play with toys and stick together through Lego and the alphabet, definitely not thick and thin. On the other hand, there is something innately refreshing about the trusting nature and innocence of a child, who simply loves someone because they are kind to them; because they spend time with them. Chubby, tall, extra slim, multi-racial, short – all toddlers had friends. Why? Because toddlers don’t notice those things. Their hearts and minds are open and accepting, and that is just overwhelming in such a positive way.

Fast forward to primary school where the friendship mould is ever so slightly different. Popularity becomes important, and so do the shoes you wear and the place you call home, notwithstanding the fact that you contributed nothing to the purchase of any of the aforementioned items. People seek similarity to form friendship, and believe you me, the similarities that children will find in each other are astounding. At that crucial stage in a child’s life they begin to realize that some kids are fatter than others, and other kids are smarter than others. Some more well travelled, some more accustomed to expensive articles, others still who live in similar neighborhoods – the list it’s practically endless. At this stage, year groups matter; it’s most important to make friends with the ‘cool’ people in your year and the years above. Why bother to mingle with the younger ones? They’re not on your level right? The irony of this mindset becomes so much more apparent when men select their wives (who are usually younger), and women form relationships with younger women who look up to them for advice in marriages and adult life as a whole 

I truly believe that Secondary school friendships are THE most beautiful friendships ever born. When I reflect on where I am today and how much a part of that my friends are, I know that my parents were completely right when they said ‘Hold on to your secondary school friends! Those will be your friends for life..’

I remember my very first day at Loyola Jesuit College. I arrived at our remote campus with mixed feelings, realizing that I knew no-one, and nothing about anything I was getting myself into. I was drawn to LJC because it was where the ‘smart people’ went, and I felt somewhat special just because I got in. But when I arrived, my heart sank. I had met one lovely girl at a friends house the day before and I guess in my mind I had one friend, but I just wasn’t sure what to expect. My dad and I were on the check in queue, when we bumped into one of HIS friends. I was so peeved at the time, and I remember thinking ‘Just great. I’m completely FRIENDLESS, and this man still manages to find a friend in MY new home?? ugh.’ Little did I know that would be the beginning of a relationship I still hold today – and trust me, that friendship has been to hell and back again. Gossip, nasty exchanges, insults, misunderstandings, best friendship to complete silence and back again, as God would have it. Anyway, the daughter of my dad’s friend became my first friend on campus. We were in different houses, but that didn’t matter to us at all. After I moved into my own dorm, she invited me down to hers and as fate would have it, the girl I had met the day before I came to college was there too. Just like that, I went from having no friends, to having 2! Score! And so it began – over the years I made friends with so many people at my high school, and the ties that bound us grew deeper and deeper. Suspensions, punishments, funny stories, happy memories and heart wrenching experiences kept our relationships solid. It had nothing to do with what we had or didn’t have, or how pretty we were or weren’t (after all, we were all practically bald). It didn’t matter whether we lived in Lagos, Ibadan, Enugu, Zaria or Port Harcourt. It was about the values we shared, the happiness we brought each other in a difficult environment, the vulnerability we showed without feeling judged or taken advantage of, the way we would look out for one another to avoid trouble to ensure success in an endeavour – those were the building blocks of our friendships. And what a solid foundation these blocks have built.

My adolescent years allowed me to meet other friends through my A-Level and University education. During the period, I was also fortunate to develop a wider network outside the confines of my education. I must admit that there are no adequate words to describe how the people I became close to these points in my life have shaped my persona and my point of view. While we may not have been friends for the same length of time that I have been friends with the people I met in high school, we have shared so much with one another, and forged a relationship that defies time and proximity.

Adult friendships are more or less formed in and around the workplace, and reflect the clarity that each individual has developed about their own direction of travel. These friendships tend to forge business relationships and acquaintance relationships, but can also promote deep friendship ties when they are built on activities and beliefs outside of work, such as Religion.

What is the point of all this? The meaning of friendship changes when you become more cognisant of who you are, and what matters to you. This recognition comes during adolescence, which starts in high school and peaks while you are at university. You start to choose friends for more sustainable reasons – common values, the ability to share both joys and sorrows, the ability to seek advice without judgement, and the ability to share your hopes and dreams without jealousy that destroys.

I believe that these friendships are the most important to develop and cultivate based on the foundations upon which they are built. But how much attention should a friendship receive? This is where things get sticky. People go from friend to acquaintance quickly when they feel unappreciated, or poorly treated. Friends are also hurt by being deserted for shiny new friends, or boyfriends/ girlfriends.

As humans, we can be quick to take offence or throw away a friendship after an argument. In my not so expert opinion, Friendship should be treated more like an investment than a gamble. I wonder how many of you will invest money and time into a project, and simply forget about it when things get tough. Scratch that, I know how many, NONE! We attach more importance to material things like money than we do to the human beings God gave us to share out lives with. If that isn’t ungrateful, I don’t know what is. Nothing good comes easy, and nothing in life is without its trials, but we shouldn’t be so quick to discard the friendships we have had for so long. When issues arise, I believe it is best to deal with them immediately, rather than pretend you are oblivious, or assume that the issue won’t repeat itself. So many friendships are run down by pent up aggression which could have been avoided if everyone was more honest about their feelings.

Regarding friendships by varying personality type, the cardinal rule of friendship is – Know Thy Friend. I would really like to put those words on a billboard somewhere so that we can all internalise them and reflect on their importance. Knowing your friends needs and catering to them the best way you can is important. Friendship is not about being selfish; It is about looking out for your friend’s interests while they simultaneously look out for yours. Imagine a world where Friend A who hates making phone calls takes the time out to call Friend B once a week because she knows he prefers to talk on the phone. Meanwhile, Friend B sends a text when he has something to say rather than call constantly because he knows Friend A prefers to text. When you take the time to know the likes and dislikes of your friends, and develop your relationship according to those preferences, you realise that you don’t ever have to reinforce what YOU need because your friend does it for you, and vice versa.

Moving on from the fairy lights and shining stars approach, I know that not all friendships were meant to last forever. The saying about people being in your life for a reason, season or lifetime remains as true as ever. My belief is that when a friendship pushes boundaries beyond repair, there should be an honest conversation, and an amicable ending to what was one of the most important parts of your lives. There should also be an open minded approach which leaves room to rebuild what was lost. At the core of friendship is the mesh of personalities that creates a unique feeling of happiness which only that person can bring, and there is no doubt that it will one day be missed if the friendship was true. Amicable endings are the only way to create room for these friendships to be redeveloped when emotions are less heightened and more clarity has been achieved.

Overall, I have written WAYY too much, and on that note I bid this topic goodbye. I invite you to think about the way you have made your friends over the years (just for the fun of it), and decide whether my assessment on which friends tend to last and why is sensible. If you agree, I implore you to focus on developing these friendships, rather than being so quick to let them go in the face of advsersity. If you disagree with anything I’ve shared, please leave me a comment and I will respond with alacrity. 🙂

Have a lovely day!

Love,

Jo